Dear Kathryn,
by xxsnoopyxx
Summary: Chakotay writes Kathryn a letter about his feelings and thoughts about their relationship. There is a resolutions reference that is different from Cannon, but this is not a resolutions rewrite. Writing from Chakotay's POV is also something new for me so let me know what you think please? I hope you will enjoy reading this regardless.


Sometimes I wonder why it is that I keep holding on for, but I know that is a stupid question I should not even be asking myself. It's your strength, you're kindness towards others, your fierce desire to be the best that you can be. It's your beautiful blue eyes and your silky long auburn hair. It is your leadership, your ability to keep going under difficult circumstances. It is your thirst for life, your drive to succeed and your passion to explore. It is your mesmerising smile, your infectious laugh; it is everything that makes you, you that I keep on going for. As much as you are all of this, you are closed off, you're defences are higher than a wall as tall as a mountain. You are so very independent that trusting others with those things that are close to your heart, you find hard to do, no matter how open others may be to you.

I'm not saying you are cold hearted or don't have any trust in others at all, no. This is not at all what I am saying and I don't believe anyone could ever say such a thing. I just mean that no matter how much I care for you, how much I love you, how much I trust you, you still don't let me in, and this breaks my heart for I would do anything for you to make you happy, and I know that you are not truly happy. You always try to be strong for everyone around you, you make sure everyone you care for is safe and so you sacrifice personal comforts and needs to make sure that everyone else is happy, at your own expense.

No matter how much I try to make you understand and see that I am here to catch you when you fall, that I am here to make your worries go away, that I am here to share your burdens, to make you feel loved and cared for, that I am here to be what ever it is you want me to be, my efforts always seem to fall short. I still feel like I am on the outside of your life, looking in and seeing the mess that you still can't seem to figure out how to clean up. It hurts me to know that if you just let me in, if you just let those walls down for a short while, that maybe I could help, or at least make you feel like someone was there to help guide you through your battles, to be by your side, and to be that one person you could always count on.

After New Earth, I thought we had gotten somewhere. For just one night, you had let everything go, all your worries, all your burdens, you stopped caring about others for just one night, you listened to your own desires. You gave yourself something you knew you needed and knew your heart wanted, not only that but I gave into my own desires as well. In the space of an hour, you had let everything go, we had let everything go. You looked into my eyes and I stared right back into yours, I saw your passion, your lust, your desire, and I saw the real you for the first time since I had met you.

'I want you.' Those three words had been like music to my ears. You gave me the permission I needed and within seconds our lips had crashed together ever so gently, yet passionately at the same time. Within minutes I was lifting your clothing above your head, and then you were removing mine, our desire and emotions had taken over and we were making love to each other, answering each others long suppressed needs to be with the other. I could never forget the softness of your skin, the gentleness of your caresses, the fruity fresh smell of your hair as I entangled my hands within its long waves. For just one night, I had everything I always wanted, and so did you.

When Voyager called that morning, informing us they had found a cure, you told me you were sorry, looked deep into my soul, told me that you wanted to be with me but once we had returned to Voyager, we couldn't be. I wanted to tell you that I loved you; to tell you that things didn't have to be the way you thought they did. I wanted to take you into my arms and run away with you as fast as I could, just so we could be together. I wanted to fight you, because I didn't want to the only thing I had ever really wanted to end, to shatter into a thousand shards of broken dreams.

'One last time?' I had said and you simply took my hand in yours, pulled me closer, and kissed me softly on the lips before breaking away to look into my eyes once again and tell me…

'If we did, we would never be able to go back to the way things were.' This was what confused me because I knew I didn't want too go back to the way things were, and I was sure you didn't want too either.

'But I don't want to go back to the way things were, surely you do not either?'

'No, I don't Chakotay, but we have no choice. The ship comes first before my personal needs and wants. That's how it always has been and always will be the minute we step back on Voyager.' I didn't want to argue, so I left it, I could see you were torn up inside, just as I was. We packed up, and were beamed off the one place I had been the most content in my life.

Since that night, we had been friends, nothing more. You had closed me out, just like you had before new earth and I kept hoping that you would realise you could be both happy and take care of the ship and the crew's needs, but you never did. For another two years, you kept yourself just out of reach from others, and I found myself yet again, looking in to your life every single day from the outside, wishing for you to let me in again, for I loved you, and you knew that. I could see it in your eyes and this time, I saw the hurt that came with it as you remembered that night back on New Earth. At one point, you asked to see me in your ready room and of course, I obliged. But upon entering, the second those doors hissed closed, you told me that we couldn't keep going on like this. You said to me that we either had to move on but accept that friendship was all we could have, or go backwards, to professional relationship only.

'Damn it Kathryn! Why can't you realise that you are my world, you are the love of my life!' My outburst had come unexpectedly and I noticed that I had upset you by it. There was a long silence that loomed in the air, containing only fear, hurt and anger. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things more difficult than they already are.' I knew I had kicked the bucket so to speak, for tears started to swell up in you eyes, and you turned your face away from me towards the view port I knew you were ordering me out without saying a single word. I did as you silently commanded and now, I regret it. I should have fought for you because maybe if I did, I wouldn't have been so hurt as I am now because now, I find myself wondering what it was that I did wrong.

Kashyk and Michael… why? Why them when you could have had me? This is what confuses me the most about this whole situation. You say that you cannot be with me because you cannot put your needs first, yet I know you were only with them to satisfy a need, not because you loved them. I knew I should have been angry, but I wasn't, I was just hurt, and I supported you despite this incredible pain I was now feeling. For months, I felt like I had fallen into a deep dark hole, and had become lost within it, with no way to get out. It was something that I couldn't even fathom, when I was here for you all along, and you knew how much I loved you. Did you not love me? Was that night on New Earth simply because I was the only one who could offer you what you needed? I had always thought that you did love me, but as I sift through the fragments of my memory, I do so, wondering if you ever did tell me that you love me. My memory takes me back to that night on New Earth, to the moment when we were lying there, just content to be with each other. At this point in time, I am trying to wrap my head around the events that had just transpired, trying to understand and acknowledge that right now, in this moment, I was lying with the most beautiful woman, the strongest woman, the kindest, most passionate, loving, caring woman I had ever met, something I never thought would ever be possible. I'm tired, but it is a good kind of tired. Ever so gently, I am absentmindedly stroking your soft features. You are lying with your head on my chest, listening to my heart beating strongly in my chest. You say to me something that I barely make out.

'I never thought I would be here with you like this. It's nice. I don't know why I didn't let myself be with you till now.' There was a long silence as I tried to process what you said. 'I'm sorry Chakotay. I shouldn't have even brought this up, I've ruined the moment.'

'No Kathryn, it's okay, a moment such as this cannot be ruined. I'm just glad to be with you here, right now, what happened in the past, we cannot change, we can only decide on our future.' More silence, I felt myself starting to drift into sleep. Finally, I heard three words, which I didn't register at the time.

'I love you.' You had said those three words, everything I had ever wanted to hear from you, and I didn't even know at the time that you had said them for seconds after that, sleep had consumed me and you didn't say it again. How could I have missed that? I guess it doesn't matter now, what matters is the fact that you had told me you loved me, yet you chose to pursue relationships with two other people that you don't even love. I just don't understand. So I guess I should tell you, if you are reading this, why I have decided write this. I am writing this letter about my feelings, about us, about my inner most thoughts about us, about our friendship, and everything else in between because now we have known each other for six years. I have loved you for six years, since the very first moment I saw you on my ships view screen, and I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I don't know if I can go on in my life having this uncertainty about whether or not you will stop flirting with me and dancing around your feelings and start letting yourself love me like you did that night on New Earth. I want you to let me love you, to let me take care of you and satisfy your desires. I want to be there for you in every way, as your friend, as your lover, as your first officer, as your confidante. I want to be your shoulder to cry on, the one person you can count on to make your burdens lighter. I want to be apart of your life, not the one who is always looking in anymore, I want to be more to you than I am now. I wanted you to know the truth about how I feel, I think I have said everything I wanted to now, but to sum it up in the simplest way possible, I love you Kathryn, in every single way possible and I can't just turn that off or plainly ignore it like I always have. I cannot keep telling myself 'I'll be here when she is ready for me' because I've realised now that I need to make a choice, that you need to make a choice.

Take me or leave me, I am ready to take the next step. I know you have your reasons why you don't want to pursue a relationship with me. I know you think the crew will disapprove, but I disagree. We are a family; we care about each other and want each other to be happy. I know that you are worried about rank and protocol, but last time I checked, we are a long way away from Starfleet and I think they would expect the crew to develop all kinds of close relationships on their journey home. But what does it even matter anyway? You are a strong woman Kathryn. You are loving, kind and compassionate, you will do what ever it takes you get this crew home and to look out for them, regardless of what is happening in your own personal life.

I know that this decision will not be easy for you to make, I respect that, but I need to know if you love me, if I am waiting for something that will never happen, if my hope is false, if I am waiting to put the pieces of my dreams back together, only to have them shattered again. I cannot force you to love me, I know that, I know that you don't choose who you fall in love with, but I know that I have fallen in love with you, and I can't do anything to change that. I will always be your friend Kathryn, don't think that by not loving me means we can't be friends, I know I may have implied this earlier in my letter but that is not at all the case, I will still always be your friend, what ever you choose, just with more parameters than what we have in place now. My choice is you, I choose you, and I don't want anyone else but you. You are the love of my life, the only one I want, and if you feel the same way, you know where to find me. I will be waiting but I know I can no longer wait for you forever. I also know that I will never love anyone again like I love you. I guess what I am saying is, if you don't love me, I will lose either way whether I move on or if I don't, but at least if I move on, I may have some chance at finding temporary happiness. Anyway, you don't really need to know about what will happen to me, I just wanted to tell you how I feel, and now that I have, I hope that you will come and tell me how you feel, if you don't, I will understand and respect your decision and your feelings but please, talk to me about this. Please don't leave me to wonder what may or may not be anymore. I need answers and I cannot move on in my life without some. I hope I will be seeing you soon, in a non-professional sense. Regardless of whether you want to hear it or not, I love you.

Forever your first officer, friend, and confidante with love,  
Chakotay. _Folding the letter, Chakotay slipped it into the envelope and sealed it. Taking a deep breath, he stared at the letter in his hands, void of any being, yet speaking a thousand words and evoking thousands of thoughts and feelings. Was he doing the right thing? Will she admit her love or does she not love him at all? Another deep breath, finally he placed it on the table in the middle of her ready room along with a rose. He turned to leave, placing his weekly report on her desk before exiting her ready room and making his way to his quarters with the conclusion of his shift. _

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read this.**


End file.
